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The one who must survive
jewel lightraye's journal.
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17th-May-2012 04:50 pm - [sticky post] SALES POST!
celebi-rainbow
I am currently selling several items on eBay, including my old Pokemon collections!
ALL SALES: http://www.ebay.com/sch/influtusa/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_from=&_ipg=&_trksid=p3686

Click the item name to be taken to the current listing. Thank you!

More items will be added to this list as I add them to eBay.
Last updated on: May 17th 2012, 5PM

CURRENTLY FOR SALE:


Fluffy Superstar Bear Plush (2006) NWOT


Fluffy Funshine Bear Plush (2006) EXCELLENT


Fluffy Wish Bear Plush (2006) NWOT


Fluffy 25th Anniversary Tenderheart Bear Plush (2007) NWOT


Battle Frontier Blaziken Talking Figure (2005) EXCELLENT


Hasbro Treecko Plush (2004) NWOT



Mime Jr. Pokedoll (2005) NWOT


Wobbuffet Pokedoll (2005) NEW WITH TAG


Vintage Pikachu Sponge Buddy (1999) NWOT



Vintage Animatronic Togepi (1998) EXCELLENT



Japan Exclusive King Ghidorah Beanie Baby (2001) NEW WITH TAG


Banpresto Celebi Hand Puppet (2005) NEW WITH TAG


Banpresto Celebi Hanging Plush (2001) EXCELLENT


Tomy Celebi Hanging Plush (2001) NWOT


Animatronic Celebi Plush (2001) EXCELLENT


Original Celebi Movie Plush (2001) NWOT


Large Bandai Jirachi Plush (2003) NWOT


Large Banpresto Darkrai Plush (2007) NWOT


1:1 Life Size Tomy Celebi Plush (2010) NWOT

I only accept Paypal as a form of payment.

I combine shipping, and I am willing to ship internationally (if you're willing to pay the extra postage cost).

Thanks for looking!

26th-Dec-2011 01:29 am - CHRISTMAS 2011!
celebi-rainbow
ADMIT IT YOU KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN.
Before I get to that I just want to say that I rarely use this journal anymore. It's great for memories but all my recent life updates are heavily headspace-oriented, so they're all in either my Blurty or Xanga, period. I just have no reason to update here as well, sorry about that.
Hey by the way did I tell you guys I was ironically the Knight of Time for Halloween? Because I was.

Anyway. CHRISTMAS.
Our tree is all white and crystal this year, here look at this picture I took JUST NOW.

IT IS LOVELY.
I put those candy canes on there, they are made without corn syrup so I can eat them and they are great. Problem is Spine doesn't like them so I still can't eat them, haha! Well, at least not much of 'em.

The only big difference from past Christmases is that my bros and I didn't get each other anything this year. We're all broke and jobs aren't paying and there are bills to worry about, but we're cool with just spending the day with each other really.
I personally would have been completely happy with nothing at all, but my mother is incredibly generous and she always gets us stuff. So I do have to thank her and show my appreciation, haha.
The older I get the more practical my gifts get, which is awesome because who needs so much stuff anymore, really?
My mother bought me tons of fruit & things (thank God, that stuff is expensive and I have to be careful with my diet now), and she gave me like fifty bucks, which along with the cash from my other parental figures, should carry me well through the next few weeks while I look for another job/ get ready for next semester and the resulting expenses/ etc.
Besides that I got the following DVDs:
-The Blind Side
- Gothika
- Dolphin Tale
- Chicago
- Alice In Wonderland
- Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen
- The Soloist
- DISTRICT 9, THANK YOU THIS IS AWESOME
Really I have been waiting for that movie since last Christmas, this is so great.
If you haven't guessed, yes this family loves films and really, I think I've watched about three movies since 2009 and that's not cool! I'm just so busy, but inspiration does need time put aside regardless.

DID I MENTION MY BROTHER GOT A PS3 AND AN IPOD TOUCH
YEAH SO THAT WAS PRETTY AWESOME
Hey man, I don't need those things, but he does and I am seriously glad he got 'em!
Besides, a PS3 means I can finally play Klonoa 2, which I have been waiting to do for a decade now, no kidding!

The best present for me was actually something rather obscure and unusual, but oh man it is BRILLIANT and I love it to pieces.
Those of you following me on other sites have probably gathered that I've been on this mad spiritual odyssey since I got out of the psych ward (well, I tried to start last year but life had other plans). It kicked into high gear around June and things have been absolutely phenomenal since then. But yeah, I went to a spiritual expo in September and there was this psychic woman who did these gorgeous 'soul paintings,' full story here, long story short I now have one! And what do you know, it's literally the same color as my favorite picture of Chaos Zero, go figure. Universe, you are crazy and I love you too.

I also went over to my dad's for dinner and I swear, my one cousin is Mom Lalonde at age 70, it is hilarious. She not only looks like her, but she was sloshed the whole time, was swearing about her cats, and generally cracking everyone up. It was awesome.
Oh man but my dad's stories about our one uncle were worse. Three words: 1970s street racing.
I love going to see my dad, though-- it's actually peaceful and casual at his house on any given day, whereas with my grandparents it's typically high-strung, angry, and/or way too stiff. So it's nice to unwind.
Being a father myself (yeah, no kidding) I told Xenophon she was free to hang out with me as much as she wanted today, so of course she didn't want to leave at all. I did not mind! I love her so much, having her around is absolutely brilliant.
She's the only person from my upstairs family (ectoplasm is thicker than blood I guess) who was around today, though-- thanks to my anniversary on Friday (god that was amazing) I'm more than a little psychically exhausted, so Laurie insisted everyone give me a break. I'll probably be catching up with everyone tomorrow though so no worries.

In any case it is ridiculously late and I seriously need sleep.
I hope you all had a very merry Christmas. ♥
4th-Nov-2011 01:23 pm - success?
celebi-rainbow
Measuring 'success' is so strange.
I've been looking at the webpages of some of my old school acquaintances, especially the ones I deeply admired, and I am stunned! So many of them are already starting their careers, living in other countries, making incredible progress in this world... and I'm still stuck in this old town, struggling to find a job and still having trouble with school. I still feel like I never got out of elementary school, with how young I am on the inside. I still feel like a tiny child, and it feels so unusual to see my old classmates getting older, while I'm looking up at everyone far above me.
Even so I'm so happy with how my years have been going. Yeah, it was hellish for a long time, but man... I've learned so much. It just feels so strange, when my parents tell me that I'm at a dead end in life because I'm not 'like everyone else's kids,' etc. I never had money, I never had fame, I never had connections. I never had close friends, I'm not interested in relationships, and I'm enough of an anomaly that the social stuff most children take for granted is completely unknown to me. So I'm a bit of a mess, haha.
Today, I was looking at pictures of my old acquaintances, who I wanted to befriend but didn't know how, or tried and failed as I was too lost back then, and I just couldn't stop smiling. They're all so beautiful and I'm really proud of them, I guess. They're chasing their dreams and I'm so happy for them.
I'm thinking of a few certain girls right now and really hoping they are happy with their lives too. They deserve it.  

To think, I could have been graduating in a few months, but no, I had to have an absolute psychological meltdown back in 2009. I tried to start over again but then I had another one in 2010 that almost left me dead! And then I took a year off from both school and work and hey, this has been the best year of my life so far, all things considered.
So no, I'm not 'successful' according to some people, but internally, where the ephemerality of the outside world cannot touch me, I am happy.
Honestly that's what I want everyone to be able to have, is this. Because it hurts, it really does, to see people with amazing careers and yet they are still miserable with their lives.

I suppose that's all I have to say for now.
There's no way I can realistically work on Nanowrimo this month, but maybe I can get some of my own typing done? Maybe I can shake off the last of these cobwebs I let form over me while I was too busy trying to make everyone else happy. It'll take a while, but a start is a start.
29th-Aug-2011 10:41 pm(no subject)
celebi-rainbow
My schedule today went like so:

- Wake up at 6, after having a Homestuck-centered dream where I was chilling with The Summoner
- Pick up my mom from her boyfriend's house at 7AM, and it was really pretty outside
- Run to a chiropractor appointment at 9 because my back is bugging me again
- Drive off to college campus at 11 to figure out why they cancelled my classes two days after I registered
- Found out the college sent the letter automatically and I'm cool for tomorrow
- Drove my mom to KMart where I barely kept her from going on a shopping binge
- Went home and my elderly neighbor says that we can have the apples from the trees in his yard
- Get to climb up an apple tree and pick two bushels of apples AW YEAH SON.
- Head back home and spend several hours scrubbing out both the family cars
- Make sure everything is ready for class tomorrow
- Log on here to update because why not

And I need to wake up at 5:30AM tomorrow or I won't get to class on time so wish me luck!
20th-Jul-2011 12:08 am(no subject)
mew
Today is my Angelbee's birthday! ♥ ♥ ♥ I still love and miss her so much.
She and Genesis were my only bits of real optimism throughout high school, seriously. I'm so glad I met her. 
Seeing how much she has grown up since 2004 makes me incredibly happy. It's awesome.

So yes, happy birthday my dear old friend! I hope it is just as amazing as you are. ^^
2nd-Jun-2011 02:33 pm(no subject)
weiss
So I just spent the past 4 hours getting Ending B on Nier.

...Between that and the latest Homestuck updates, I'm a bit of an emotional wreck right now.

I always get so deeply involved with things like this.
15th-May-2011 09:43 pm - World Meme
celebi-rainbow
So I found an interesting meme online, and figured I'd fill it out.




1. Tell us about your favorite writing project/universe that you’ve worked with and why.

Dream World, hands down. It's not only been the biggest positive influence on my life in everything from psychology to religion, but it's made me a better person and has opened my mind and heart to so freaking much it's amazing.
It's impossible for me to assign second place to any one series, because they all hold equal importance to me.

2. How many characters do you have? Do you prefer males or females?

The last time I checked, I had 708 characters (it's probably increased slightly since then), 622 of whom are nonhuman. As for the gender ratio, I have 343 girls and 372 guys, which is no surprise to me. As a kid, there was an absolutely huge male majority, and my female characters were virtually all tomboys (although the ladies held the major roles). As I grew older it became hard for me to write females at all and so I began to switch all my focuses to the guys. This played major havoc on the development for some series where the main characters were female (E*Girls, Mage Angels), as I wasn't able to put myself in their perspective as well as I once could.
Honestly, though, I've only recently been able to come to terms with my own gender identity-- no thanks to family, religion, therapists, and socially inflicted roles-- so that was probably a major reason as to why it was so hard for me to write for others in that respect. I'll definitely be putting my all into fixing what I unwillingly neglected as a result of that.

3. How do you come up with names for characters (and for places if you’re writing about fictional places)?

As a kid, I'd quite literally get the names either from thin air, or by making clever references or puns. Nowadays I still have thin-air namers here and there, but I'm infamous for often taking hours to name characters because I consider the name to be an incredibly important aspect of an individual. I also try to give all of my characters one-of-a-kind names if possible, which can be very difficult, especially when working with family histories.
Places really haven't been a concern yet, as I either write about preexisting places or places that really have no 'professional' names (i.e. most locations in the DW as of now). This will likely skyrocket as a priority once I get further into development for series like vo!t@ge. 



4. Tell us about one of your first stories/characters!


I've had characters in my mind since I was first able to think, no kidding. The oldest ones showed up around 1993-1994, and were a ragtag bunch of musically inclined animals who I never wrote a story for, but who always hung out in my head... Cobra, Fans, Unisalia, and Batty. Man but I loved 'em.
Zimbo the alien showed up around '95, and in 1st grade I drew and wrote about him constantly. He was my first 'random storyline' character, in that he never had a solid plot assigned to him, but was always having spontaneous adventures not unlike those in old cartoons. He's still very dear to my heart so I plan on giving him a worthy storyline as soon as I can.
Preludove, my main muse, showed up in '98, and with her both my life and storytelling methods changed drastically.



5. By age, who is your youngest character? Oldest? How about “youngest” and “oldest” in terms of when you created them?

Concerning biological ages, the oldest (and currently alive in their storyline) are Opal and Sage, who are both about 83 years old in the current timeline. The youngest is heavily debatable, as my series have individual time progressions and characters do age in real time within them... but I suppose Anu comes close? I'm not sure. I know that if I step out of the current timeframe I can definitely name some very young characters, but I don't want to drop any spoilers, so.
As for creation times, Cobra is by far the oldest-- he's at least 17. The youngest is debatable; my 'newest' characters are actually 'realized' individuals that have played major roles in their canon up to this point without being defined... and there are several 'shade' characters (completely 'unseen' and undeveloped) lurking around as we speak, so you never know.

6. Where are you most comfortable writing? At what time of day? Computer or good ol’ pen and paper?

I'm the most comfortable writing at the local Borders, and if I'm there I can quite literally sit and type for 8 hours straight. I made incredible progress on my storylines last year thanks to my constant access to the place. My home atmosphere is poison and so it is virtually impossible for me to make any progress here whatsoever. Ideally I start typing early in the morning and go straight on until at least 5PM. I type better in the mornings, as it's quiet.
I started typing my stories when I was 10, and have done so ever since. I have a problem handwriting correctly sometimes, just as I have a problem speaking, but when that gets converted to a keyboard it oddly becomes much easier (it slices the time in half too). Up until age 10 I wrote stuff in notebooks, but never got much done due to the written accuracy problem.



7. Do you listen to music while you write? What kind? Are there any songs you like to relate/apply to your characters?


I can only listen to emotionally-relevant instrumental music when I write, if anything (At Borders I just let the background noise work as 'static'). Otherwise I get deeply distracted and lose my train of thought.
If I'm not actively typing, but do need to 'identify' with a certain mood or character, I will also listen to fitting music (Hokthai = disco, E*Girls = JPop, etc). My Last.fm listening charts are often a dead giveaway of this, especially when I have one song by Masashi Hamauzu on loop for 5 hours or something. That, children, means I am working like a maniac.


So yes, I have many songs assigned to both characters and stories, for various reasons. For example, I've always associated Keane's "Black Burning Heart" with Justice & Revenge, and Imogen Heap's music has some very deep ties to the Oneircia storyline.

8. What’s your favorite genre to write? To read?
Concerning reading, I tend to only read books that I feel will have relevance to me, and so far I've known how to pick them. My favorite books include Catch-22, 1984, The Green Mile, A Wrinkle In Time, Fahrenheit 451, Damned If You Do, The Giver... basically, if it makes me think for a very long time afterwards, I will like it.
I also have a heavy weakness for unusual fantasy/sci-fi series, especially those with supernatural and/or 'monster' elements: Young Wizards, The Seventh Tower, Deltora Quest and Animorphs are all favorites. I actually cannot stomach certain genres (western, medieval, victorian, etc.) due to odd phobias on my part. As for comics, JTHM, Captain Estar Goes To Heaven, and Watchmen hold the top spots.
Lastly, I will not hesitate to research something if I feel I must. Heck, throughout my entire school career I've been known to read through entire textbooks within the first few weeks of a semester. I'm a bit of a knowledge addict.
As for writing, I am frequently thrown in with the 'fantasy' genre because, although I stick to modern and realistic settings, I always keep a serious touch of the unusual in my work (Dream World is by far the most striking example of this). Hokthai has cyborgs, Halcyon Days has aliens, Puppetstrings has magic, E*Girls has superheroines... you get the picture. Whether it be a weakness or a strength, I am unable to take that element out of my writing, and honestly do not wish to do so. However, I do try to ground all of my concepts and theories in reality, or at least explain them in a very plausible manner.
Subject-wise, I avoid horror and romance, but have a deep fascination with psychology, philosophy, and religion/ spirituality, and so frequently write such topics into my work, in both subtle and direct ways. If a controversial subject comes up, I will deal with it. I also enjoy writing redemption/damnation themes as I am fascinated with emotional development, as well as how individual moralities and world perspectives impact ones personality.
Overall, I mostly deal with taking the mundane and lifting it above that drivel into something deeply affective.




9. How do you get ideas for your characters? Describe the process of creating them.

I don't, actually. They are born and grow on their own, and if I try to have any say in that, it can potentially damage them permanently. Seriously, if I need a character for a storyline (E*Girls being a major example), I will focus on what qualities they may or may not need, but then I just have to wait for them to show up. This can be frustrating concerning time constraints but it is ultimately worth it. If I'm in an inspired state of mind, though, people can show up all at once, which I love.
I will admit to seeing individuals in places such as floor patterns and inkblots (the Halcyon aliens and many J-Monsters, respectively), but although this defines their appearances, their personalities invariably follow with little to no effort on my part to construct them whatsoever.
Lastly, it is not unusual for characters to literally be stuck in 'development limbo' until I verify a certain aspect of them. Names and appearance details are huge; if a certain individual does not yet have a full name, I often cannot write for them whatsoever, and if I am unsure of their visual details, this becomes downright impossible. Hosea was the first example of this I encountered, as I had no awareness of his story at all until he was named, after which it hit me like a tidal wave.



10. What are some really weird situations your characters have been in? Every thing from serious canon scenes to meme questions counts!

As I previously mentioned, I am virtually incapable of writing 'everyday life for an average joe' stories, so 'weird' is relative. I would give you some examples here if I wasn't absolutely paranoid about giving away spoilers.
Concerning memes, though, there was that one time Tox had to marry Sapphire, and Delphi ended up with far too many chainsaws than should be legally allowed... fun stuff.



11. Who is your favorite character to write? Least favorite?

This varies wildly, depending on which characters I can connect to at what times-- I do write from a first-person perspective in some storylines. Still, I truly enjoy writing for 'extreme' characters, such as Justice & Revenge (morally conflicted), Hosea (manic-depressive), Volt (incredibly naive), and Vezerai (psychologically damaged). I also love writing for the entire cast of Halcyon Days, and I will always have a special spot in my heart for M, as she was the only character I really wrote for as a kid.
I can't say I dislike writing anyone, but it is incredibly difficult for me to write 'typical' relationships (thanks to being an asexual schizoid), so whenever that comes up my job becomes highly frustrating, haha. 



12. In what story did you feel you did the best job of world building? Any side-notes on it you’d like to share?

Dream World, no contest whatsoever. It is quite literally my life's work. Second place would be Roses, thanks to the absolutely insane ideas I am currently developing for it... and third place is Oneircia, due to half of it taking place in a literal dream world.
Most of my stories do take place here on Earth so there's not much world-building to do there, but Halcyon Days, Event Horizon and vo!t@ge all have very heavy connections to alien cultures, so I know I'll be doing some more heavy construction with them in the future... and series like Puppetstrings and Hokthai involve some heavy variations on modern culture (magic and cyborgs, oh my), so I'm probably seriously underestimating the amount of work I have there!

13. What’s your favorite culture to write, fictional or not?

I adore writing the Jewel Monster culture. Although it is based on human culture (long story), it still has several huge differences that I have not only spent years researching and refining, but that I relate to much more strongly than I do anything here.

14. How do you map out locations, if needed? Do you have any to show us?

Unfortunately, I haven't done this yet, as it is an absolutely daunting task and I don't have the entirety of my locations planned out the way it is, although I do have vague mental maps. That will likely be my next big project.



15. Mid way question! Tell us about a writer you admire, whether professional or not!

I can't say I admire any specific writers as a whole (well, maybe Stephen King and Alfred Bester). I can read one book by a person and love it, then read another by them and be absolutely repelled. As a result of this I don't feel I can give any honest answers.
Writing styles, however, are a bit of a different story. I'm a big fan of symbolism, abstract writing, and 'first person' perspectives (in which the character themselves narrates). More than anything, I love being able to see into the minds of characters. On this note, I also enjoy when personality shines through in dialogue (altered spelling, grammar, etc. to show vocal style and mood) and described actions. I'm a very visual person-- if I can't clearly 'see' who I'm reading about, I'm going to be highly confused and likely frustrated. Lastly, I do get bored easily by long paragraphs of unnecessary information, especially if it is delivered in a very flat manner that seems detached from the story itself. 


So yeah, I got a little off-topic there but I hope that answers the question.

16. Do you write romantic relationships? How do you do with those, and how “far” are you willing to go in your writing? 

I've mentioned this before; I really despise 'normal' relationships and am psychologically unable to write them.
However, I do have quite a few couples across the board despite this. The most important aspect of this fact is that they are virtually all 'abnormal' in some sense-- there is an overwhelming trend for interspecies relationships in my stories, as well as non-romantic and/or asexual individuals.
I do NOT go 'far' with my writing, ever, for both the above reasons and also the fact that I am a severe and highly traumatized genophobe. Ironically, Dream World is the huge exception to this rule, as their 'relationships' are drastically different than the human sort (on both emotional and biological levels), and as such I can deal with those without too much trouble.

17. Favorite protagonist and why!

I have to say M takes this spot. I LOVE her, but I will admit, I haven't given her anywhere near as much attention as she deserves lately (mostly thanks to the chronology-jumping I've been doing in her series). Regardless, her role in her story is absolutely huge and she is a beautiful individual. I really can't express how much she means to me.

18. Favorite antagonist and why!

This is a tough one... especially since I love twisting roles and keeping people in morally gray areas. I can't rightly answer this without ruining plotlines, so you'll have to deal with it.



19. Favorite minor that decided to shove themselves into the spotlight and why!


I'm tempted to say Vezerai. Seriously, when I first 'met' him I assumed he was little more than a fleeting side character, and so I didn't bother with him... but about a year after that, his importance literally skyrocketed, and now he is one of my dearest characters. However, as he is far from a minor character now, listing him would be cheating.
My problem, though, is that I don't consider any of my characters to be 'minor.' Even if their role is small, it's still a role, and it's vital. So I honestly have no idea who else to list.



20. What are your favorite character interactions to write?

I like writing interactions in general, seriously. Still, if something comes up where two characters have a higher sort of emotional attachment, I'll likely obsess over it. This is because these interactions involve a great deal of mental communication as well as verbal, especially if motives are being hidden or disguised. As I mentioned earlier, Justice & Revenge are incredibly interesting to write because of the conflicting emotions that are constantly present between them.



21. Do any of your characters have children? How well do you write them?


A great deal of my main characters are children in the age sense, so by virtue of their parents existing I would have to answer yes to this. As for the children of main characters, there are several of those as well, although with chronological progression most of them are adults in the current canon. I have written for these individuals in their childhoods, though, and it is incredibly interesting to see how their lives progress.



22. How long does it usually take you to complete an entire story—from planning to writing to posting (if you post your work)?

Complete? What is this strange concept you speak of?
Seriously, I'm like freaking George Lucas here. Even if I did manage to get the main stories written and completed in that sense, the 'extended universe' information would not stop, ever. Finding a happy medium between the two in terms of what I should be writing into the 'main' story is my biggest problem.



23. How willing are you to kill your characters if the plot so demands it? What’s the most interesting way you’ve killed someone?

I don't kill my characters. I have neither the desire nor the power to do so. However... if someone does die, I can't do anything about that either. So I have lost children to that before.
The most interesting death had to be... well, I can't tell you anything specific, but I'll just say it was a murder and leave it at that.



24. Do any of your characters have pets? Tell us about them.

I've never liked or been able to identify with having pets myself, so at the moment I'm unaware of any in my stories. I'm sure some of the human families I write do own some, though, so I'll have to check that eventually.



25. Let’s talk art! Do you draw your characters? Do others draw them? Pick one of your OCs and post your favorite picture of them!

I taught myself how to draw BECAUSE of my characters. Seriously, that's the only reason. I'm still incredibly unskilled at art, but I do draw whenever I can find the nerve to.
I have received a modest amount of giftart on dA for my Parnassus series, which is the only one I openly publicized as it was originally a NiGHTS fanseries. Other than that, I have received a few pictures for Dream World, Hokthai and Puppetstrings, one for E*Girls, and one for vo!t@ge.
Aaaand now I'm just going to link you over here.



26. Along similar lines, do appearances play a big role in your stories? Tell us about them, or if not, how you go about designing your characters.

I am an aesthetics maniac. Honestly, even when I try to make characters look 'ugly' in a non-appealing sense, I cannot do it. I need to work on this.
On a more general note, appearances are very important to me. Not only am I very visually oriented, but most of my characters are also inhuman. As a result there is triple the amount of work in trying to accurately represent them in writing.
In terms of the actual design process, I put my heart and soul into that. I can 'see' characters in my mind at any given moment, but my mental sight is so vague that it may take me years to figure out how to get an individual's likeness down on paper. This is highly frustrating.



27. Have you ever written a character with physical or mental disabilities? Describe them, and if there’s nothing major to speak of, tell us a few smaller ones.

Oh geez, I have several. The most well-known ones (in terms of publicity) are Cherie, Vezerai, and Tox-- Cherie is crippled in her left leg, Vezerai has PTSD as well as some other mental disorder that I am still trying to pinpoint, and Tox's immune system is completely shot, which causes him some serious issues. 



28. Final question! Tag some one! And tell us what you like about that person as a writer and/or about one of his/her characters!

I don't really know who to tag, so feel free to do this if you want.
22nd-Apr-2011 10:47 pm - prolog im himmel
lucario
About two weeks ago, I started watching an anime called Puella Magi Madoka Magica.
It's a magical girl anime, and the art style is rather cutesy, but I decided to give it a shot...

It. Is. Phenomenal.
It is also incredibly tragic and I was sobbing for a solid hour today after finishing the last two episodes.
Just... I love this show. I freaking love it.

So yeah, start here.

http://www.animeavenue.net/mahou-shoujo-madoka-magica-episode-1/

And don't give up hope.
13th-Feb-2011 03:01 pm - Happy 2011?
celebi-rainbow
Oh man, I apologize for not having been on here-- or anywhere much, really.
Let me fill you in a little on what's been going on since my last entry: October 27th 2010, to be exact.

In the typing sense, there were about 9 new entries in my IJ, 3 new entries in my Scribbld, 16 new entries in my main Blurty and 7 new entries in my alternate, and a shocking 7 new entries in my Xanga.
If you like taking the scenic route, I would advise you to read through those; it will fill you in completely on what has been going on.

For those of you who really would rather not face the tl;dr textscapes I regularly create, here's the relatively short version.
A lot has happened.
On October 29th, I planned suicide. Seriously. Thanks to the absolutely damning hacks I'd been suffering through, I felt I had lost my purpose as a human being and I was so utterly ravaged at that point that I didn't think I had the strength to keep living. So I packed up most of my art and mailed it out to my friends, posted 'suicide letters' on all my main journals, and after that I was trying to decide the best method... but then my memory goes blank. Long story short, I just couldn't abandon my headchildren like that, no matter how much I hated myself... so around November 10th, I started slowly trying to get back online. It took a while, and I was trying to spend as much time as I could working on my projects instead, but with what I had suffered through, I began to realize just how badly I was destroying myself. I was having nightmares every night and it was all I could to to get through the days. I started seeing a therapist in early November that ultimately damaged me deeply, but made me realize that I needed to stop living like this. I started taking small but vital steps towards finally living my own life, by my own rules, instead of bending to what was trying to kill me.
On November 23rd, Chaos and Laurie finally reconciled their viewpoints on my situation, and that brought all of us together in an incredibly significant way. I started to find hope for my future, even though my home situation kept getting worse. I finally accepted who I was and started to actively work towards that. 
I had a disturbing but amazing dream on November 29th, and thanks to both that dream and several other incidents, I started panicking over just how lonely I am in reality-- I have no one to turn to when I need someone. This only added to my depression, especially with how hard it was to find any therapists for gender issues at the same time. I began to use Aywas as a coping method once December started, which helped immensely, as well as doing heavy philosophical/ religious research every chance I got.
The biggest news in December, though, was Leon's return. He's talked about here; there's too much to type about him to list in this journal. His Xanga debut is here if you want to read that too.
Most of December was admittedly spent using every last aspect of my coping methods to survive, but then 2011 hit, and stuff got weird. My new years' resolution was to try and have at least one Xanga session per week, which turned out to be an incredibly beneficial thing for me (seriously, I advise all my hardcore followers to read those), but unfortunately it only made Julie proportionally stronger, and it wasn't long before the bubble burst. Around the second week of January I started to seriously unravel, going so far as to attempt suicide in a blind desperation, and this caused my old headvoice, Spine, to be brought into active duty. She was an incredible help, especially since Lynne and Josephina also decided to become fully active as well, and I also discovered the Virus Comix website during that time, which proved to be an immense source of inspiration. Sadly, no one or nothing could lift a finger against my home situation... and on January 27th, I was sent to the local psychiatric ward.
Seriously. I spent 5 days in the hospital, then for about two weeks following that (right up until yesterday) I was suffering so badly from my medication that I landed in the ER twice. Details on that whole mess are here, if you're interested.

So that's it. Life has been insane lately!
However, I have somehow emerged from all of that like a phoenix, as I not only have an incredible amount of self-confidence and insight into my situation now, but I'm working with my doctors to hopefully get both out of this house and into my transgender surgery/ therapy/ etc. I suppose it was a needed trial.

In any case, I don't know how often I'll be updating here or anywhere-- I have a lot of work to do offline, but communication is vital, so if nothing else you will be getting Xanga sessions, haha. 
I hope your new years have been less stressful than mine!
27th-Oct-2010 11:47 pm(no subject)
lucario
It's been over a year since I first saw this picture, and it still gives me the exact same emotion.
I didn't think I could still... feel that. Something so genuine and clear. For something not to fade over so many years... through so much pain and hardship... ins spite of so much doubt and fear...
I guess there's still a lot I have left to learn.
That gives me more hope than I've had in a long time.

...Je t'aime, et je ne vous oublierai jamais.

I'm so sorry. I have been such a fool.
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